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Are you having a “bad mom” day? I get it. In fact, ANY mom gets the “bad mom day” phrase. The best gift I’ve ever gotten from my children was a yellow sticky note left for me on my kitchen counter. The note read, “We love you.”
I can guess what you might be thinking. “Hmmm…really? This is the best gift? Not the Christmas ornament with your firstborn’s handprint preserved in clay? Not the wall hanging with the names of every family member spelled out like a Scrabble game board?”
I did love those gifts, too. But this one was the best because my children gave it to me on a day as I was so very unlovable as a mother.
I’d had one of my typical mom meltdowns. I’m sure there was yelling and door-slamming involved. And, I’m sure I freaked about something that was, in fact, nothing. Truly, I’m sure my daughters snuck off to their rooms to commiserate about “mom being a mom”…and to write me this note, which they surreptitiously left for me to find.
All of which is just to say that I’ve had more than my share of bad days as a mom. I’ve had to learn how to reset my defaults…to reprogram my thinking. If you’re having a day that’s headed toward bad in a hurry, here are a few things to tell yourself that might bring it around to good.
7 things to tell yourself when you’re having that “bad mom” day
1. God cares about moms
I believe God has a special place in His great heart for moms, as evidenced by this lovely passage from Isaiah:
“See, the Sovereign Lord…tends His flock like a shepherd; He gathers the lambs in His arms and carries them close to His heart; He gently leads those that have young” (Isaiah 40:10a, 11, emphasis added).
2. A bad day does not make you a bad mom
The pursuit of perfection in motherhood seems like an honorable goal because we know a terrible, wonderful truth: THIS JOB MATTERS. A lot. So when we miss the mark, we’re tempted to overgeneralize and overreact: a bad morning becomes a bad day, and a bad day becomes bad motherhood.
But oh mama, with God, there is grace. Yet if achieving some level of “good” as a mom is a goal we pursue above all else, it is an idol. And Jonah 2:8 is starkly clear that grace and idolatry cannot live together in the same spiritual house: “Those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs.”
I don’t want to give up grace that could be mine. I don’t want you to give up grace that could be yours. And it’s not about giving yourself grace nearly so much as it is about receiving the grace Abba is offering. Take it, and then pour it out onto the people who call you “mom” when you’re having that “bad mom” day.
3. Now is a good time to pause, praise, and pray
When I’m staring down a bad mom day, I tend to go into frantic-mom mode: running around, pinging from uncompleted task to uncompleted task, jabbering incoherently to myself. What I need to do instead is hit the pause button.
I need to praise God for who He is and for the blessings He’s given me, including the children and the home that usually “inspire” my busyness. And then I need to pray for strength and patience and perspective and hope. (For starters.)
4. All the little things you do make a difference in the big picture
On a day that seems ripe for a do-over, it’s tempting to focus on the constant tasks that demand our attention and are never, ever truly “done”: laundry, dinner, driving kids places, baths, bedtimes… But woven into this fabric of daily life are the interactions and loving gestures and words of teaching and encouragement that shape soul the soul.
“Parenthood is a partnership with God. You are not molding iron nor chiseling marble; you are working with the Creator of the universe in shaping human character and determining destiny” (Ruth Vaughn).
That’s some big-picture perspective right there.
5. It’s okay if your “bad mom” day is a “just get through it” day
A couple years ago, when my parents, my siblings and their families, and my little family and I were all on vacation together to celebrate my parents’ 50th wedding anniversary, my sister taught us a new card game. I don’t remember the name of the game or how it worked, but one goal of it was to earn points. On one of her turns, my sister ended up with a low score of just a few points but remarked that it was “better than zero.”
Since then, “better than zero” has become a life litmus test of sorts for us: if something is “better than zero,” that’s often good enough. Of course, I know you’re trying to make the most of your time and opportunities with your precious children.
But some days, anything better than zero is a win in and of itself, and it’s just fine if today is one of those days.
6. You’re not supposed to be able to do this on your own
There’s a phrase floating around in the mom social-media world these days that says, “You are enough.” It’s meant to encourage us, but it always rings hollow to me. I read it and think, “No, I’m not.” But here’s the thing: I’m not supposed to be.
God did not create us to be “enough” on our own. Indeed, He created us to need Him. And, He puts it this way in His Word:
“He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me” (2 Corinthians 12:9 NIV).
The idea of God’s power being “made perfect” is not an indication it’s lacking anything; rather, “made perfect” carries the idea of completion. It’s as if the best backdrop for God’s power to show itself off is our weakness.
Next time you’re having the kind of day you’d like to trade in for a new model, do a little “boasting”: “Hey, God! Here’s all my weakness! I’m primed for your power!” It’ll be the perfect package.
7. Your kids will remember the love
My 15-year-old daughter started her birthday this year crying in her bedroom. It was, thankfully, not my fault: the weather was decidedly not in favor of the beach plans she’d chosen for her celebration, so a complete revamp was necessary.
We hastily constructed Plan B and set about putting it into action. At the end of what had started out as a very bad day, our birthday girl pulled her big sister and me in for a hug and told us, “I had a wonderful day. I felt so loved.” And I thought, “That’s IT, isn’t it?”
Oh, mama, I’ve been through a lot of days with my kids, and I want you to know this: at the end of the day—good days, bad days, any day, every day—love is what your children will remember most.
I’ve still got that sticky note from my daughters tucked away in a kitchen drawer for safekeeping and future reference. It reminds me of what was true the day they gave it to me and of what, mercifully and beautifully, is true now: love wins the day, on any kind of day.
A regular contributor for RuthieGray.Mom, Elizabeth Spencer is the mom to two teenage daughters who regularly dispense love, affection, and brutally honest fashion advice. She writes about faith, food, and family (with some occasional funny thrown in) at Guilty Chocoholic Mama and avoids working on her 100-year-old farmhouse by spending time on Facebook and Twitter.
Elizabeth Spencer says
Thank you SO much for sharing this, sweet friend! Here’s to a GOOD day for all of us as moms! And yet I’m so thankful for God’s truth about who we are that’s better than any bad day. xoxo
My chocolate buddy, I can NOT tell you how MUCH I love this post!!! So real, yet encouraging and Biblical. Pointing us towards the One Who holds our identity and future. Our feelings can get the best of us, but “better than zero” can get us through! <3
This was NEEDED today. Thank you for taking the time to write this. Why do we think we have to be perfect when we aren’t? Why do we try to control it all when we can’t? Why do we try to do EVERYTHING WHEN we aren’t supposed to ? Xxx
Elizabeth’s words are so wise and timely! I’m super glad you reached out in MTO so I could mention this post. And your questions? Are ones every mom struggles with. I absolutely love how you put that. Prayers for you, sweet Beth!! <3
Elizabeth Spencer says
Aw, thank you so much for your support of this piece, dear Ruthie! You are such a love. I’m humbled and honored to be a guest in your blog house.
Likewise, sis. I’m just super blessed that you would lend your words to my blog house! <3
Elizabeth Spencer says
Oh, Beth, my mom heart beats in sync with yours! Honestly, I NEED this list for myself and am just honored if it might be at all useful to any other moms, too. In fact, just the other day, I was sensing the “bad mom day” clouds moving in, and I thought, “Now what did I write on that list?” 😉 I believe the answer to your spot-on questions is that our enemy likes to keep us distracted trying to do all this so we won’t be effective doing what God has called us to do as moms. But with God’s help, we can be who we’re not, do what we can’t, and feel what we don’t! Thank you so much for taking time to read this and for reaching out! You have blessed my day richly.
Sigh. Thank you so much, my dear friend. This helped me so much!
Ruthie Gray says
Elizabeth is the BEST, isn’t she? Wit and wisdom all wrapped up in one!