Food Fight

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     For as long as I can remember, Jim and I have been on opposite sides of the spectrum when it comes to eating habits.  He comes from a long line of skinnys and I come from – well, we’ll just call it a well rounded family.  He can eat anything he wants and not ever get fat.  I can eat anything I want and get fat in one day. 

     The day we married he weighed five pounds more than me and was a foot taller.  This means I was either very, very large (you’d better not just assume that), or he was very, very skinny. It was the latter.  I cooked to fatten him up – it had the opposite effect.  I adapted his eating habits – oreos, doritos, and ice cream every night.  We did have a disagreement about whole milk, and I stood my ground on that one – we switched to my usual – 2%.  6 weeks into the marriage this 5 foot, 2 inch chic had gained 12 pounds and the skirts and pants were splitting at the seams.  PANIC!!!

     I started a serious diet.  It was one of those where you only eat lettuce the first day, you get to add dressing the next – maybe two crackers, and so forth, ending with a lean meat on the 5th day.  This was to “jump start” my new healthy way of eating.  Poor Jim got a new wife in one week – a very MEAN one!!!  He didn’t know what hit him, so he suggested we go out to eat to make me feel better.  WRONG MOVE – any girl knows that when you’re dieting, an invitation out means diet disaster. 

    The real fight started when we were invited for pizza at a friend’s house.  I did NOT want to go because I knew I would eat the pizza and this would not help my cause.  He DID want to go because – well, it was pizza, and he loves being around people.  We were at a stalemate.  In the end, I won, but it wasn’t worth it because at this point we weren’t speaking.  This was our first official fight as married folks.  The next day he sent me flowers in apology, which we termed, “The flowers from our fight”.  We have old pictures with the flowers in the background, and Jim always says, “Oh look, dear – it’s the flowers from our fight!”

     Believe me when I say it was only the first of many fights concerning our food discrepancies.  I’ve been on a zillion diets since then and the one constant in all of it is – he never is.  The oreos are still present, doritos are stocked, ice cream is purchased in vats from Sam’s.  I guess you could say we’ve decided to agree to disagree.  I know that the junk is always gonna be in the house, and he knows I’m always gonna try to eat healthy.  Actually, that’s the good news, I don’t really diet anymore, I’ve learned to eat better and exercise on a regular basis.

     However, recently I decided to kick it in gear and lose a few pounds for the upcoming wedding in June.  As mother of the bride, I have a certain standard to uphold, and it is not one of frumpiness.  So, I’ve been doing the 17 day diet.  This is a very healthy approach, clean eating, very little carbs, lots of water and green tea. I’m actually not hungry most of the time, but there are occasions when I can get a little snippy.

      And so, last week we had another food fight.  Big surprise, huh?  He took the kids out for dinner while I – well, ok, I had a massage.  But that’s beside the point!  I returned home, thinking they were just doing a little shopping, when he called to say they were eating out and did I want anything.  “Oh no, you guys just go ahead and have a wonderful time.  I’ll eat some cabbage or something.”  Sarcasm at it’s hungriest.  “Wow, come on out, we’ll wait.”  He sensed the anger.  I did not go out, and I had timed it perfectly so as to be eating brussels sprouts and a very unattractive tofu burger when he walked through the door.  We weren’t speaking at this point.  I was mad because I didn’t want to go out, knowing I was so hungry I’d eat what I wasn’t supposed to, and yet, I was mad at  him for going out in the first place and not staying here and eating brussels sprouts and Boca burgers with me.  Like that would ever happen anyway – sheesh, he’d fry up some apples and make biscuits if I served that to him.  Did I mention the guy can cook – very tasteful, unhealthy meals?!?

     And then it hit me:  we were still fighting over food!  25 years of wedded bliss and still, it all comes down to food.  The difference now is that we’ve learned to work it out without him having to send flowers.  It’s a good thing, because it wouldn’t be very economical for us. 

     Did I mention Jim has gained 70 pounds since our wedding?  Yeah, he still isn’t overweight.  Sigh. “Love will keep us together”!