WARNING!! “over 50’s hairdo” searches make you wish the 90’s back

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I need a new “over 50’s hairdo for my daughter’s wedding the end of this month.  There will be pictures.

Wishing to drop 20 pounds before the blessed event (yet knowing this won’t happen because I have the metabolism of a snail), the one thing I can control is my hair.

(Sort of.)

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WARNING!! “over 50’s hairdo” searches make you wish the 90’s back

Over 50’s hairdo problems

My hair is fine (in texture – not, “Finnnnneeee” like a sleek, black, Mercedes).  It’s naturally curly (some would term it “wild”), with a few strands of grey (ugh). I have a flat head, stubby neck, and round face.  In short, my chances of finding a new hairdo are about five thousand to one.

I searched Pinterest for “Over 50’s hairdo for thin, short hair and round face”.

(One must use specificity when searching such an important subject.)

After viewing several out of date (we’re talking ‘80’s) suggestions, I landed on Best short haircuts for women over 50.

First of all, I’m still reeling from the fact that I’m 50, ok?  I do not want to BE 50. (Read in the dramatic tones of Sally from The Nightmare before Christmas, “But I don’t want to BE patient”)

I want to be 30 and starting my family all over again.  I want to have firm skin and one chin.  And, I want to read a price tag in TJ Maxx without scrambling for reading glasses.  I want to relax my face without looking like Cruella Deville. (Sag lines are real, ya’ll.)

I would like to take a selfie without holding the camera up to the ceiling to give off the appearance of actually having a neck.

Turning fifty means you’re officially slipping down the other side of the hill.  You have lived your prime, raised your kids, and now, you MUST exercise because of your health and no longer just because you want to look good.

Fifty also means your hair might just be thinning a bit.

This is not fun.

My last hairdo, the day I got it cut. Also the last day it ever looked good that way.

Pinterest search for “Over 50’s hairdo” turns down memory lane

So, when I finally made myself hit the link to haircuts for women over 50 (because let’s face it, I am), I was abhorred at the scene that unfolded before my over-fifty, glasses clad eyeballs.

Splayed out in Pinterest grid fashion were all the stars of my youth – my peers, if you will – donning stunning “over fifties” haircuts, dressed in red carpet finery.  The very essence of beauty and grace, wreathed in what some would gently refer to as “mature” countenances.

And yet…

Christina Ferrare  (The Home and Family Show – back when email came out and they invited excited fans to write in) had crows feet and neck sag accompanying her “over 50’s” hairdo.  Jamie Lee Curtis was entirely grey headed.  Joan Lundon, Katie Couric, and Lisa Rinna (can you say, “Botox”), were clearly aging.

Patricia Heaton, whom I adored from everybody loves Raymond, turns sixty next year, as does Annette Bening (Sydney Ellen Wade, of The American President).

And then there were the older, classy ladies of film, Jane Fonda and Judy Dench (Skyfall).

Are my teeth really going to be yellowed and crooked, like they’re about to fall out of my head?

All I wanted was a hairdo.

What I got was another dose of reality.

I could wear my favorite visor – that covers a multitude of (hair) sins…

What if I die before getting a great “over 50’s hairdo”?

I am getting older.  There is no going back.  They say you start to die the moment you’re born.

In the movie, What about Bob, ten-year-old Siggy quipped while conversing with his father’s psychotic patient,

“You’re going to die.  I’m going to die.  It’s going to happen.  And what difference does it make if it’s tomorrow, or 80 years (much sooner in your case).  Do you know how fast time goes?  I was six like yesterday…we’re going to die.  YOU are going to die.  What else is there to be afraid of?”

(By the way – have you seen the mom from that movie lately?!)

I just made an appointment with my hairdresser who, incidentally has been doing my hair ever since she went to beauty school 35 years ago.  (We lament our age every time I go.)

I don’t know if I’ll end up looking like Patricia Heaton or Annette Benning, but here’s hoping I can pull off the illusion of a thick head of hair.

We’ll know when the pictures are developed, eh?